Tuesday, November 16th, 2010, 6:32PM.

I’m so upset after having read this. I pray and hope that whoever wrote this is alright and someone saved her in time. Because I know how hard it is to have to live when all you want to do is give up. I just really hope that … gah fuck what am I even typing

-speak:

Dear friends,

I’m supposed to keep writing. To keep telling you my stories. ‘Cause I know you’ll all listen.

But, now, I find myself tired.

So very very tired.

My life has been going at a steady decline since I’ve turned 18. Maybe it’s that I wasn’t supposed to live at all. Maybe I should’ve died back when I was born. My lungs weren’t developed for a reason.

Maybe I’ve been pushing my luck these past 18 years.

Now, I feel as if my luck has run out.

My 18th birthday was September 23rd.

On September 24th I got drunk for the 1st time.

On October 1st, I got black-out drunk for the first time, told everyone about my depression and eating disorder, and tried to commit suicide twice.

On October 9th, I lost my virginity, drunk, to a boy who doesn’t want anything to do with me. I hate that I still care about him so much. He still doesn’t care.

From the 10th to the 29th, I had sex with him 11 more times, each time putting myself out there more and more, hoping he’d realize that he might like me, too.

It didn’t work.

On November 10th, I filed a police report against a boy who had assaulted all three of my roommates, and who had spread rumors about me all around campus. He had earlier tried to get me my, my roommates, and my friends for harassment, against him and our friend.

He’s been trying to bring us all down and ruin our lives. Slowly yet surely.

And he’s winning.

On November 11th, I was forced into bed and almost forced into sex by someone who I thought was my friend. He still won’t stop, and it’s making me sick. The last time he tried was the 14th.

On November 13th, I got drunk, and was taken advantage of sexually by one of my closest friends. I didn’t want to have sex. I never said yes. But he went ahead and did it anyway. I’ll never be able to see him in the same light again.

He keeps telling my friends, the friends who I cried to that night, that it didn’t happen. Almost all of them believe him.

They won’t believe me.

They never believe me.

I’m the idiot. The freak. The crazy one. The one who can barely remember where she was 5 minutes ago…

The one who tries too hard.

The one who wishes she didn’t have to act happy all the time.

The one who just wants to be loved.

The one… who just can’t do it anymore.

I’m not sure if you’ve picked up on this, friends, but this is my goodbye.

I’d call it a suicide note, but I don’t really want to. Goodbye note, is what I’ll call it.

I’m failing all my classes. I’ve let down my family. I’ve disobeyed and betrayed my friends by not being there for them. I’ve been emotionally abused for almost two months. I’ve finally cracked.

I’m sorry. I really am.

I wish I could just keep fighting, I wish I could stay.

But I can’t. It’s all too much for me.

I’ve made a noose out of my scarf. It’s already in place. I’m going to leave this page up, too. So they can read it when they find me.

It’s not much, but if they look in my white dresser, second shelf, under my box of tampons, they’ll find the diary I kept when I was 15. There’s not much. But it’s from my eating disorder days. Also, my little booklet with the “S” on it, on the floor in the corner, has a little excerpt from a bad night on it. I don’t really remember what it says, but yeah.

Mommy, Daddy,
I’m sorry.
I tried to, I really did. But I gave up. With everything. School and life. I love you both. I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult. And I’m sorry you spent so much money and me and my schooling, adn just everything. I wish that all hadn’t of gone to waste.

Pandacow,
I love you so much pandacow, you’re my best friend, and my sister. The best thing that I could’ve ever asked for. I will always love you. Please stay strong, stay in school, grow up, get married, and have a happy life. :) Do it for me.

Stephanie,
I know we don’t get along. I know we never did, and who knows, we probably would’ve never gotten along. But I do love you. You’re my sister. You always have been, and you always will be.

Kevin and Megan,
Kevin, I know we don’t really get along too often, but you’ll always be my baby brother. I love you, and you can do anything. I’m sorry for all the mean things I’ve ever said to you. And Megan, I’m so sorry I had to leave you. And I love you so much you have no idea. You can do anything you ever put your mind to, NEVER let someone tell you otherwise. Grow up to be a beautiful woman, and make me proud.

Michael and Kara,
You two are my everything. Know that Shannon loves you two more than she loves herself, and that you’re my babies. I just wish that I could have stayed to watch you grow up into beautiful young people. I love you, and I always will. Behave for Mommy and Daddy and promise me you’ll do well in school.

Maggie Z., Maggie H., Kelsey, Maddy, and anyone at Mount de Sales/TSC,
I love you all. So much. There aren’t enough words for me to use to thank you for everything you’ve done for me. But I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.

Casey, Kendra, Zawdie, Sam, and everyone else at Frostburg,
I love you guys so much. You’ve been through everything with me these past couple months, and though I didn’t make it out, it’s okay. You guys did everything you could. I was just past the point of saving. Thanks for the laughter, tears, fights, and movie nights. :) I really do love each of you. You’re not only my best friends, but you’re my family. Nothing will ever change that.

It’s not your fault.

It’s my fault and my fault only.

I should’ve been stronger.

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.”

I’ve both given and recieved unheard of amounts of affection. That’s all I ever wanted. I just wish it had made me as happy as I’d hoped for.

I love you all. And please, never lose hope.

Signed,
Shannon.